Ah, the joys of parenthood. Next week it will be a year since the birth of my youngest son. He is my fourth and final. I am a 38 year old mother of four boys ranging in age from 12 years to almost 1. The ups and downs of parenthood are measured in moments, in the laughter of a baby or the screech of child who just fell off of his bike. We do the best we can by and for our children. It is all anyone can do. At our less pristine parenting moments, many of us resign ourselves to the notion that our children will always deserve better than what we are. At our best, we don't even think about it. We enjoy them and love them and teach them. So what happens when your ability to do all that changes? What happens when your life forces you to take notice of yourself?
During my last pregnancy, I was in severe pain. Being my fourth pregnancy, each one being worse than the previous, I casually mentioned it to my Doctors and wrote it off as my "normal". I figured the pain was worse because I had gained some weight and gotten older. Even so, I figured that once I gave birth, things would soon get back to normal. When my symptoms did not improve within three months, I figured it was because I was breastfeeding full time, where usually I supplemented with formula. It was not until I went to visit my family when the baby was three months old that I figured anything was really wrong. It was in their eyes. I was gazed upon with both disgust for my "laziness" and just plain sadness. It's funny how differently people see things. Yet even with that, it took my mother traveling 400 miles to babysit my children just so that I could go to the doctor, before I conceded that something might truly be wrong. Yet, no one knows for sure what that may be.
This blog is intended to be my release. A place to let out my frustration at all that I can or can't do at any given moment, frustration with doctors, and mostly with myself. I will try to put the events of the last year and a half in some kind of order. It will be the short version. Then, my hopes are to write on here as often as possible to track my progress. I will post my medication and other treatments, as well as how this all affects my life. At the very least, I will get things off my chest and perhaps in a few months get a bigger picture. Hopefully, someone will read this and know that they are not alone in their similar struggles. If my pain can help someone, even a little bit, then it is worth putting it here for the world to see.
